Solo?
Yes solo.
Just one?
Yes just one.
No man?
No man.
On average I had this conversation twice a day whilst away in Malaysia. It’s not like this isn’t part of daily life in India though:
Shaadi?
No, not married.
Bachche?
No. No children.
Where are your family?
UK.
You don’t miss them?
Yes I do.
No husband?
Noooo.
How old are you?
37 (Cue short intake of breath).
By Indian standards I’m a bit odd. By UK standards I’m a bit of an anomaly but less so and actually who cares? Thing is, judging by the amount of books written about lone female travellers I really thought I wasn’t that different. But you travel round or live anywhere for a while in Asia and you’ll notice you’re still a rarity. One man even asked before I started a jungle trek if I wasn’t scared I’d get lost. Travelling is bad enough, but what are the stereotypes and cultural pressures in India as a single female?
I’ve had chats with friends who say everyone they know is in a love marriage or that they aren’t being pressurised into an arranged marriage. But then they are the lucky ones. However strong the social pressure is to be married with kids in the UK, here it is far worse. Many more women report pressure from parents, endless meetings with potential partners and Shaadi.com, I kid you not, is pretty popular. Some have secret boyfriends whom they wish to marry but their parents won’t let them as they are in different strata of society. Men too face pressure from eager parents keen to fulfil their social obligations. The topic of sex is taboo. Because of this certain parks are known as lovers’ make out places and the abortion rate is on the increase.
This is Delhi. It’s the capital city and conservative compared to Mumbai. But those who are approaching their 30s that have the strength, social position or freedom to rebel do so. Parents may insist on arranged marriages but the lucky ones are allowed their choices. Elsewhere those from more moderate backgrounds or more rural areas are under more pressure. Child marriage, before the age of 18, is well documented and prevalent in rural communities. Kids as young as 11 are paired off and girls are often pregnant with their first child by 12 or 13. Once married there may be other issues.
Dowry torture, where a wife’s new family may try to kill off the bride so the husband can remarry and bring a new dowry to the family is often in the news. Less reported are false accusations that can damage a husband’s family and its reputation.
Many of these social problems stem from an ingrained culture of boys having more value than girls in society. This causes female infanticide where female foetuses are unwanted and therefore aborted. In the case of child marriage a lack of women causes communities to want to get the girls and marry off their offspring early.
Whether in the city or rural, male or female, the stereotypes and cultural pressure exist. I’m no expert on these issues and they run much deeper than what I have stated here. Still, anyone can clearly see the effects old prejudices have on today’s society. It may not be easy being in your 30s, single and living with India’s slow cultural change but as a gori I get it easy.
Pic from: Daily Times
Although you don't mention it in your post - while I was in Delhi, I did see a couple of news items about "honour killings" related to inter-caste marriages.
ReplyDeleteDelhi police make arrests after 'honour killing'
Pressure indeed.
I remember that little dog!
ReplyDeleteThank you for bringing up honour killings. Another volunteer here says a Hindu woman has gone missing from her work this week after announcing to her family that she wanted to be with her long term Muslim boyfriend. Last everyone heard she was in hospital but no-one knows why. The family is too far away to visit and work doesn't know how much they can interfere. I hope this isn't what it looks like and that she will be ok.
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to gender, marriage and India there is a huge amount to say. As this is a blog I aim to keep it fairly short but highlight the issues so people can be aware and read more if they are interested. If someone wants to pay me to do some investigative journalism/a tv documentary I'd be there in seconds.
In my view things are changing very fast...most of my friends have done love marriage and we all got married near by 10 years ago. People who went for arrange marriage were those who could not find partner by themselves. As you wrote in your previous blog about India "...five countries rolled into one" it is also true for social structure.
ReplyDeleteMedia in India focuses too much on one story and when they do that they find all related stuff to print and telecast...I am from Rajasthan the state famous for child marriages and dowry, but there also I find big change, if the girl is educated enough dowry is not visible in the marriage …child marriage..I have not seen in last 10 years…. Before that I attended few….
It's good to have your view as someone who has seen changes over a longer period of time. It's definitely true of social structure. When I arrived last year I was told all this information such as be careful of men, everyone has arranged marriages, India is very conservative, lots of people will try to cheat you. But that is only true of parts of society.
ReplyDeleteThe information given out by the media can be so one-sided and doesn't help. It can be damaging and builds up so many misconceptions.
India is such an interesting place to be and I will love to see the changes over the next 5 - 10 years.
The statement in your blog:
ReplyDelete"This causes female infanticide where female foetuses are unwanted and therefore aborted. In the case of child marriage a lack of women causes communities to want to get the girls and marry off their offspring early."
Very impact - this indeed sadden me! They - males and femals from the stage when foetuses are developed - are indeed humans... We all knows the Catholic values and beliefs towards abortions.....
Were your blog published in the Tripadvisor India? xx
Yes it is very sad.
ReplyDeleteThe Trip Advisor posting above is spam so I didn't contact them. I'm suspicious of the gmail address haha! xx