Queuing at the Delhi Counter

This is a tale of Indian bureaucracy and a one-woman crusade to get a parcel through customs duty-free. Our story starts a few days before with an email from DHL saying I needed to pay 5,600 rupees in duty for a parcel of personal effects that had been sent over by my parents. After sending a letter and having three different people deal with my case, I was told I had to go personally to the DHL office at the airport to show some ID and collect my parcel.

10:01 Call DHL to enquire as to whether parcel is ready or not. Informed I should get there before 11:00. I explain this will very much depend on my foreigners’ ability to get an auto-rickshaw but I will do my best.

10:32 Having been turned down by three autos, a disembarking passenger takes pity on me and translates to the driver where I want to go. After agreeing to an exorbitant amount we make our way to the DHL office at the airport.

11.37 Three wrong gates and we arrive at the correct one. I am told I need a security pass to get through the gates to the DHL office. Call all three people that have been dealing with my case and DHL reception. No-one picks up. One security guard walks over to the building 100m away with my passport. He returns and I get a pass.

11.45 Irate auto driver demands payment and I leave him, mistakenly, floundering outside whilst I enter reception thinking, foolishly, that I will flash my passport and walk away with the goods into said auto and ride on home. No one is at reception. This is not a good start.

11.56 Receptionist turns up, explains everyone is in a meeting and someone with deal with me in 10 minutes. Offered a chai (to calm the irritated white woman who clearly doesn’t understand she is in India).

12.18 Chat to fellow angry queue person. He tells me DHL used to be good here. Four years ago. Stand up ask receptionist for nth time to see the person dealing with my case.

12:37 Another member of staff arrives. I repeat 12 times in a row that I want to see Miss S. This results in me saying to anything he says, ‘Get her now....just go in the meeting and get her now’. Feel like I’m losing it.

12:43 Ask for the manager. Get told she is in the same meeting. Repeat mantra...’Get her now’. Wonder if I will bang my head on wall soon like a child having a tantrum. Enter into further cahoots with lovely Sikh business man who asks me if I now think India is a third world country.

13:10 Manager comes out. Sikh man goes for it. Wondered what happened to our camaraderie seeing as I was here first. Pout. Do the patient British thing then jump into the debate. Point out a customs delay is one thing, non-communication and shoddy service from an international company is not acceptable. Tirade earns me a handshake and business card from fellow complainer.

13:20 Manager has disappeared without saying when she is coming back. I’m left on my own fuming in reception with one member of staff and the receptionist eyeing me suspiciously. Point at service excellence award of 2006 and ask them what happened.

13:33 Get allocated a DHL fixer, N, who will accompany me to customs. Pay off angry auto driver far too much but just want rid of another problem. Arrive at customs. Everyone is on lunch for another 30 minutes.

14:16 Pay to get form processed. N takes pity on me and buys me a coffee and a bread pakora as I have not bought food for the obviously long wait ahead of me. He tells me if anyone can get my parcel duty free it’s him. We laugh at his stories, laugh at my earlier tirade and shake hands. Turn round. 50 customs staff are staring at us.

14:24 N gets a phone call from the office. Customs had told DHL my parcel had been moved from courier to cargo for collection but this was not the case as the parcel has not been physically moved. We are in for at least a two hour wait. Proceed to discuss my extent of Hindi, where to buy meat, the best nightclubs in Delhi and where to go on holiday over the next hour.

15:27 Spot the suggestion box which is suspiciously empty. N takes another call from the office.

15:40 Press a button on my mobile and discover I can activate a fake incoming call on my mobile. Envisage I can use this for getting out of bad dates in future.

15:43 N takes another call, we go to the on-site bank, pay another processing fee and head back to a different counter in the customs waiting area. Back at the seats I spot a flow chart. Work out I am on step 4 of 15. Wonder if people ever die trying in this place.

15:56 Go to get form stamped by a different official and then ushered in to see the Assistant Commissioner of Customs. Hand in my form and passport and tell him my details should now be on his computer screen. He presses a button on his keyboard and waves me away.

16:01 Get my two hour security pass, which expired two hours ago extended by four hours at a different department. N looks at me apologetically.

16:03 See first sight of parcel sitting tantalisingly on a bench. I’m told I must wait for the right official to open parcel and get contents examined. He is currently in a different building. As I am waiting see sign that reassuringly says some items are duty free for import and export. The list includes human remains, eye balls and ashes. It seems like hardly anything gets through here duty free. The official turns up, inspects contents and leaves. Two men reseal package. N disappears to do paperwork with yet another official. The two men ask me for a tip. I eye ball them in disgust and state emphatically, ‘Na-hi’. I wait for the parcel to be resealed. I watch them whisper as I go to fetch N. He has now become my saviour and the only one who can get me out of here before I turn into an aforementioned duty free package.

16:11 Wonder which stage of 15 I am at. Get ushered with N’s paperwork to see Assistant Commissioner again. He does not look up as he jabs the keyboard and says, ‘still here, eh?’ Respond with a ‘yes sir’ as I’ve now learnt N’s tricks and think this might be the only way to go. There is clearly a pecking order and I don’t think feature.

16:13 Go to a different room back near the packing area. The tip boys are hanging around outside pointing and nudging each other. The head honcho is in their sipping chai and does not looking up from his glossy magazine. Two others point at the form and say it is the wrong one. Another boy is sent to sort it out. Head honcho puts down his magazine and they proceed to chat about me. I trot out my one phrase meaning ‘I can speak a little Hindi’ and it earns me instant kudos. N nods approvingly. He has become my mentor and I, his disciple. Wonder if I might have been here a little too long.

16:45 Retrieve correct form and go to see the moody officail. I have seen him three times already today. The last two times we went to his office the security men stopped asking me for my pass. N leaves room. Officer asks me how long I will be in Indai. I respond I am working for an NGO for the next year. N returns and gets print out the officer has just executed from his computer. N waves it at me and winks from behind the official’s back.

16:54 N and I collect parcel and get one of the tip boys to carry it to an auto. Nearly cry with relief and tell N to write his email address so I can recommend him for promotion in what I promise to be the best recommendation email of my life. N sees me into an auto and I shake his hand vigorously. I can see in his eyes he knows he did good today and that he has witnessed another foreigner go through the rite of passage that is Indian customs. The parcel and I rattle around in the auto on the long journey home. Walk out of customs si hours after arriving. Feel like a changed woman.